


unexpected comfort in a fuzzy state

by maddylime



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oma Kokichi Needs a Hug, Sleep Deprivation, Sleepy Cuddles, at least i hope its fluffy enough, im fine dont worry, it takes place during the killing game probbaly during the middle of it or something, yes its a vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28327740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maddylime/pseuds/maddylime
Summary: kokichi can’t handle this killing game, and he can’t keep his mask on all the timeof course the one time he lets it drop shuichi walks in
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 190





	unexpected comfort in a fuzzy state

**Author's Note:**

> i know i write a lot of hurt/comfort fanfictions  
> but listen  
> I love hurt/comfort fanfictions

Kokichi felt numb inside. 

He usually did. He was in a killing game after all. It was better to feel numb. 

But this time it was a different type of numb.  


Instead of not feeling anything at all, he felt too much. So much that he can’t actually really feel anything because it’s just. It’s just too much.  


Like now, he can’t stop all of these emotions he’s been restricting from fizzing up to the surface. And he’s trying to push them down but he just can’t. And so he feels all useless and tired and.  


Basically, everything felt like a big mess.  


And it’s not like he wasn’t used to this, of course he was. He’s had to deal with this for years. And he knew it would pass, he just didn’t know when or how.  


And he didn’t know when it would come back either. Because it always did.  


For now, he couldn’t do anything, it felt like he was anchored down to the bottom of the sea or something. He wasn’t really drowning, since he was so used to it, but he knew he couldn’t swim up.  


Still, he kept trying. And he kept failing. All he seemed good for right now was laying in bed and looking at the mess around him.  


Which wasn’t good when you have a whole plan you have to carry out in order to stop a whole killing game. He couldn’t afford to lay down and he couldn’t afford to sleep. He already didn’t think he deserved to either.  


He needed to get himself to get better. He kept trying to force it, and it wasn't working. He didn’t know what to do, and it made him feel even more of a failure than he already was.  


Hopefully, no one would be outside. So he could escape his room and see better scenery for a little while. Of course, the scenery is always going to be in some way tainted, due to the situation they were in. But maybe it would help.  


He pulled himself out of bed, and as soon as he stood up, he realized just how hard walking was probably going to be. He felt like collapsing to the floor.  


But he really didn’t want to be in his room anymore. It was too much of a mess and his head was already a mess so he really didn’t need that right now.  


So he moved to the door, opened it, and made sure no one was around. It didn’t seem like anyone was, so he should be good.  


Walking down the stairs was difficult and so was walking outside over to a place to sit. But once he sat down, he felt better. He no longer had to pull himself up anymore.  


He looked around, once again checking if there was anyone there. It didn’t look like there was.  


So he was alone.  


The surroundings weren’t very fun to look at. He didn’t like this place, it kept draining his energy. But it was better than his room. At least now he didn’t have to force himself to look at a bunch of papers and evidence.  


Of course, that didn’t mean he automatically felt better. He still felt awful, just in a better environment.  


He didn’t want to be here anymore. He wanted to go home, but something told him home wasn’t there anymore. And if it wasn’t, what would he do? He didn’t have anything else. Everyone here hated him.  


And for good reason. He hated himself too, so he would know.  


This self-hatred he felt was like a black hole or something. Just sucking him in, and tearing him apart.  


Or whatever black holes do. His head is very fuzzy right now, he can’t really remember how space works.  


But whatever. The point was, he was in a lot of emotional pain. And all of that pain made him feel numb, but it still felt like _pain._  


And he didn’t want to be here anymore. Like alive, even. He couldn’t handle this, he was spiraling. And it felt so dark and lonely and numb and just awful.  


But he couldn’t tell anyone because he just couldn’t! He doesn’t know how to. He wants to, but he can’t want to, because no one _actually_ cares. And even if he tried, they’d think it was a lie, so it didn’t really matter.  


And he wished it _was_ a lie because feeling like this was just hindering his performance.  


And he wishes he could lie to himself and lie his way out of this but he had no energy for it.  


And lying was like breathing to him, but right now it was hard to breathe so it was kind of hard to lie.  


And he just wanted to cry but there were probably cameras around for the mastermind and he didn’t want anyone to see him cry but it just all felt like so much and he just wanted to cry and-  


“Kokichi?”  


Someone was here.  


_Shuichi_ was here.  


And Kokichi had just started crying.  


“H-hey there Shuichi! What are you doing so late at night?” Kokichi faked a cheerful voice as much as he could, even though it felt really hard. He tried to slyly brush away the tears on his face. Good thing he had just _started_ Shuichi is here and witnessing his downfall.  


And Kokichi needs to stop being so weak. And just _get up._ Why couldn’t he get up? Why couldn’t he stop feeling? What was wrong with him? Why is he crying again? Why?  


He can’t do this.  


He can’t.  


He.  


Can’t.  


“Hey, do-don’t cry, um, here, I’ll hug you, okay? Is that okay?” Shuichi struggled to comfort him, trying to wrap his arms around him and pull him closer.  


Kokichi couldn’t fight against it, he was too weak. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to.  


His mind felt like stone, like there were so many thoughts that there were none at all. He was trying to silence everything but he just couldn’t.  


And he didn't want to admit that this hug helped him with that, but it did. It just felt kinda comforting to have himself in Shuichi’s arms. Also, he didn’t have to hold himself up at all, which was good because it was getting hard to do that.  


Yeah, he _knew_ he didn't deserve it. And Shuichi probably didn’t want to actually do this. He was just trying to be a good person. Something Kokichi didn’t know how to be.  


“I don’t know why you’re upset but, I’ll try to make you feel better. Can I, uh, touch your hair?” Shuichi requested. Kokichi felt himself nod before his thoughts could tell him to stop.  


He felt Shuichi start to slowly run his fingers through his hair. He gasped quietly at the contact, no one had ever done that for him before.  


And no one did it because he didn’t deserve it. He knew that. He knew that.  


He should just push Shuichi off of him right now. He shouldn’t let him do this.  


“Try to focus on your breathing, it’ll help” Shuichi advised.  


Kokichi knew he didn’t deserve to listen. He didn’t deserve to feel better. He didn’t deserve any of this.  


But it hurt.  


He was hurting.  


And he, he didn’t want to hurt anymore.  


He just wanted to feel slightly okay again, was that so bad?  


Besides, he can’t do anything in this killing game unless he feels better. He still had so much to do and think about, he couldn’t be weak like this.  


So he started to focus on the raggedy breaths he was taking.  


What’s that anxiety thing again? Breathe in for, uh, how many seconds? He couldn’t remember, his mind was still too foggy.  


Shuichi seemed like he would know stuff like that. Kokichi could ask him.  


He really didn’t want to bother him any more than he already was.  


But he felt awful. He wanted it to stop. He _needed_ it to stop.  


“How do I.. breathe again?” Kokichi asked, his voice quiet.  


“Oh, uh, breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for 7 and breathe out for 8” Shuichi answered.  


He felt so weak for relying on Shuichi but he was glad he knew the answer.  


So breathe in for 4, hold it for 7, and breathe out for 8. Ok, he could do this.  


“Do you want me to help you? I can count the numbers if you want” Shuichi offered.  


Kokichi felt so useless right now and he knew he should say no but-  


“Ok” Kokichi answered.  


“Ok, I’ll uh start now” Shuichi began.  


“1”  


Kokichi started to breathe in.  


“2”  


He wasn’t even sure this breathing technique would work.  


“3”  


But he should just focus on Shuichi’s voice.  


“4”  


The voice that sounded so soft and gentle.  


“1”  


Kokichi held his breath.  


“2”  


He didn’t understand!  


“3”  


He couldn’t believe Shuichi was helping him with this.  


“4”  


It didn’t make sense for him to be this way with Kokichi of all people.  


“5”  


He didn’t deserve this comfort so why was Shuichi giving it to him?  


“6”  


It _could_ just be because he’s a nice person.  


“7”  


But even a nice person wouldn’t be this nice to someone they didn’t like.  


“1”  


Kokichi started breathing out.  


“2”  


His brain still felt so fuzzy.  


“3”  


He wanted to stop thinking.  


“4”  


But he couldn’t. He never could.  


“5”  


At least he felt a little bit better.  


“6”  


And because of Shuichi?  


“7”  


How wild was that?  


“8”  


It still didn’t make any sense.  


“I’m gonna count again, okay?” Shuichi  


He started counting again. Kokichi paid attention to his breathing, while still going over his thoughts. How could Shuichi be so nice to him? And be this close to him? If he hated him, he wouldn’t do that. Right?  


He never stopped thinking, it was almost a curse at this point.  


And was the same thoughts over and over again. But as his mind started to get clearer, it went from a point of self-hatred to a point of just curiosity.  


Seriously, why was Shuichi here right now? All signs before this pointed to him not liking Kokichi. Or at least being annoyed by him. But right now, it was different. There was no trace of any sort of hatred at all. It was almost like he...cared. But that couldn’t possibly be the case.  


If Kokichi asked, Shuichi would obviously say he doesn’t hate him and stuff like that. That's what anyone would do. But still, Kokichi could detect lies. He'd know whether or not he was lying, right?  


Hopefully. He still felt a little off. The breathing helped, but not enough. Sure he felt better, but he could feel how fragile he was. If something even slightly bad happened, he’d break down again.  


Which is why he probably shouldn’t be thinking so much right now. But he just wanted to know. Why was Shuichi so close to him right now? Why was he okay with hugging him like this? Kokichi was just…so confused.  


And well, he was already being pretty weird right now. He might as well ask something weird too.  


“Do you hate me?” Kokichi inquired after Shuichi had stopped counting. He slightly pulled away from the hug, allowing him to look at Shuichi’s face.  


“No! Of course, I don’t” Shuichi denied, seeming shocked Kokichi would ever bring it up in the first place.  


Hmmm…  


He didn’t seem like he was lying. Of course, there was a chance Kokichi’s ability to detect lies was flawed right now.  


“Why not?” Kokichi pressed further. He tried to sound playful, but he just sounded tired.  


“Wh-what do you mean? I, how could you think I hated you?” Shuichi tripped over his words. He really did seem shocked that Kokichi would think that. Seriously? How? Wasn’t it common knowledge that everyone hated him?  


Was Shuichi just avoiding the question?  


“You didn’t answer my question” Kokichi pointed out. And if Shuichi didn’t have a valid reason for not hating him then he must be lying right?  


Sure, part of Kokichi didn’t want to believe he hated him and that he actually did have someone in this killing game. But the other part of him knew that was just wishful thinking. And he shouldn’t be wishing for something like that.  


“I, I don't _hate_ you. I just don’t…understand you” Shuichi explained.  


Of course he didn’t understand him. No one did. He wasn’t really surprised.  


“That doesn’t mean I don’t _want_ to” Shuichi clarified.  


Eh. Even if he wanted to, it didn’t mean he’d actually care enough to understand. Everyone wants to understand until it becomes too much for them and then they leave, right?  


Jeez. Kokichi still felt messed up. Nevermind, he didn’t want to think anymore. Not like his brain would listen to him, but still.  


He was starting to get really tired. All of these mental problems were getting to him.  


He stopped trying to hold his head up and rested it back onto Shuichi’s shoulder.  


“Can you...tell me what’s wrong?” Shuichi questioned.  


Ugh. No. Kokichi didn’t want to. He didn’t want to expose himself any more than he already did. Besides, he felt too tired to speak anymore.  


He shook his head.  


“Okay, but... I’m here for you, if you wanted to” Shuichi comforted, bringing his hand back to Kokichi’s hair. He slowly went through his hair in a combing motion, causing Kokichi to feel even more tired than before.  


It was just so exhausting to think. And to feel. Emotions were so tiring, that’s why he always chose to ignore them.  


He felt numb again, but in the tired way. Not in the there’s-too-many-thoughts-to-function way. Which was better.  


And Shuichi’s actions made him feel so comfortable right now. No, he didn't deserve this. Not one bit.  


But the way he was being held right now combined with the feeling of Shuichi combing his hair was just so relaxing.  


And it would be so easy to just sink into it...

...

“Hey, Kokichi, wake up” 

Kokichi opened his eyes. Oh, he must’ve fallen asleep. 

“I..was sleeping?” Kokichi wondered, still feeling incredibly tired. He just wanted to go back to sleep, why did Shuichi have to wake him up? He wasn’t even being held anymore and he kind of missed the feeling. 

Shuichi nodded, then asked “Have you slept well lately?” 

Why's he wondering that? Because Kokichi just fell asleep very quickly in his arms? Oh. Yeah. Makes sense. 

Kokichi couldn’t think properly when his only thought was on when he would be able to sleep again. 

He closed his eyes, mumbling an answer of no. 

“Me neither” Shuichi revealed. 

So he must be tired too. 

Come to think of it, Kokichi was kind of dreading going back to his room. He didn’t want to be surrounded by the killing game anymore and his room only reminded him of it. And Shuichi was having trouble sleeping too, so maybe if he just... 

“Can I sleep in your room?” Kokichi whispered. If he was any more awake right now, he wouldn’t have asked for something like that. But he was not really making his regular decisions due to how sleep deprived he felt he was. 

“Oh, uh, yeah sure” Shuichi accepted, smiling. Kokichi could sense some relief in his answer, like he didn’t want to go back to his room alone. Maybe Kokichi was wrong, though. 

He stood up, suddenly realized how much gravity was affecting him, and sat back down. 

“I’ll help you” Shuichi offered. He carefully helped him back up, and started leading him to his room. 

Kokichi felt so weak. He couldn’t even lie and say he hated being taken care of like this. He actually kind of liked it. 

Once they entered Shuichi’s room, Kokichi immediately went to lay on the bed. He wanted to go to sleep before everything felt worse again. 

Shuichi followed soon after, laying close to him. 

They looked at each other for a few moments. 

Kokichi wanted to be held again. There was no way he would ever ask for that. Despite his fuzzy state, he still knew admitting that would be awful. He just silently hoped Shuichi would understand. 

But he didn’t seem to be moving any time soon. So Kokichi closed his eyes, grateful that would be able to have sleep wash over him. 

He was probably going to pretend none of this happened tomorrow. And if that didn’t work, he’d have to act extra cruel to Shuichi just to push him away. He’d do whatever he had to. 

But right now he just wanted to stay here with Shuichi for a while. 

Shuichi moved closer, slowly pulling Kokichi in and wrapping his arms around him. He must have been hesitant, that’s why he didn’t do it at first. 

It felt comfortable, even more so now that Kokichi was too tired to overthink too much. The embrace was warmer in comparison to his usual cold self and he found himself snuggling even more into it. 

“Goodnight, Kokichi. I...hope you sleep well” Shuichi whispered. 

Kokichi felt himself sink back into sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!!!! i really appreciate it !!! :)


End file.
